Day 9- The Wedding

We have traveled about five hours today. We are welcoming in a new family member by way of a wedding. This weekend was meant to be a quit trip down and a quick trip back, but instead it's a painful reminder that my children cannot attend the social functions that I want them to attend. We are not a normal family with well behaved children. And although I want to be around for social functions, sometimes that is just not a reality for us.

I haven't cried this much since he was diagnosed. The emotions were so overwhelming for me that I have just cried and cried, until my face was red, my throat hurt and my eyes were blood shot. I am still not fully recovered physically from the crying.

I should have seen all of the warning signs when we made it to the hotel. From the second we entered the room, he absolutely was unable to control his body. He jumped on the beds, he ran around the hallways, he slammed the doors to the room and he yelled at the top of his lungs. Wow! I was embarrassed at his behavior and I didn't even know the people in the rooms around us!

We went and ate supper and he had a hard time.

He jumped on the bed on top of the clothes I was suppose to wear to the wedding, with his shoes on!

There was not one bone in his body that could be contained into behaving.

The wedding was at a beautiful older hotel that had been remodeled so it could hold weddings. Gorgeous! I was at awe at the beauty that was before us. But it was only meant to last for a few seconds. The minute we got to the lobby to where we were suppose to go in, he became unruly again. He ran back and forth in the lobby looking for familiar faces to play with. He began making 'autistic sounds'. Moaning at the top of his lungs. The wedding wasn't even overstimulating at this point. We had soft piano music as background noise and everyone was reverent as the talking and mingled about. But not MY CHILD!

Did I mention he was moaning at the top of his lungs?

We chose our seats, not to close, but not to far away and definitely on the aisle for an easy escape. My oldest child sits with my mother, my youngest with my brother and my middle one is on my lap.

Did I mention he was moaning at the top of his lungs?

This was about 20 minutes before the wedding. I took him out into the lobby to calm down. I found a dark corner, one that we could sit down in and I could just hold him. He started moaning louder.

With that I lost it. I couldn't do anything but hold him tight and cry. He immediately stopped and looked at me. He laughed at me. Thought it was so funny that I was crying. I couldn't do anything but sit there and cry. For a moment in time I became a emotional wreck who couldn't stand anymore starring, couldn't believe that this was happening to me.

WHY GOD! WHY DID YOU GIVE ME THIS CHILD? Did you honestly think that someone like me could handle someone as powerful as him? What am I suppose to do to help him?

After about 15 seconds he realized that my crying was indeed real and he stopped laughing. It was then that he looked at me and said, "Mom, you look mad at me?"

"No sweetheart, I am not mad."

"Then why are you crying?"

"I am crying because I am embarrassed that you are making those noises. Don't you see everyone looking at us? I don't understand how to get you to stop making those noises?"

"Mom, you know I hate weddings."

"No, I didn't know you hate weddings, in the six years you have been alive we have been to two other weddings and you weren't old enough to tell me you hated them."

"Well, I do hate them."

"Ok, why do you hate them?"

"It's to loud."

"I don't understand, you like going to the movies?"

"I just don't like the music at the weddings."

"Well, honey, it's not about us liking the music. This is one of the most special days for the bride and groom. This is THEIR day, they pick everything that happens at their wedding. They are the ones who like the music and it doesn't matter what we think."

"They should really consult us on their choice of music." (Yes, my six year old used the word consult.)

"Wanna go sit back down?"

"Sure."

We sat back down. Throughout the ceremony he sat semi still. After the day we had been having, he definitely was better during the ceremony than I had predicted he was going to be.

But then came the reception. It up in a mezzanine section of the hotel in the ballroom. They had light music and a 'desert bar'. I really try hard to limit the amount of desert my children get and I simply thought they had to much today. So I told them no. For the older child that was ok. But for the middle one it was enough to set him in a frenzy.

I had enough! We were headed back to the hotel. I was emotionally drained from being frustrated, upset, embarrassed by his behavior today. He refused to help me get his body in check and comfortable. I had done everything I could to make his life a little bit more secure and he was beating me down to the ground. I couldn't take one more second of his moaning.

I found all three of my children and brought them back to the hotel. The entire drive I cried and cried and cried. I told the boys that I was not mad at them, but was simply upset and tired of the behavior and I wanted to get out of there so I wouldn't be embarrassed anymore.

When we got back to the hotel, I got the baby ready for bed and laid him down. Then I sat the older two down and we had a talk. My middle boy was glad that I had stopped crying and wanted to know again if I was mad. I told him I wasn't mad. I was extremely sad and embarrassed at the way he had acted. I told them it was bed time and we were going to wake up tomorrow and start a new day.

He asked to see 'the ring'. The ring he is referring to is my husband's wedding ring. I had "No Matter What" engraved in the ring when we got married and we have shown it to our middle son. We want him to constantly know that we have unconditional love for him. "No matter what" he does we will always be by his side.

As I sit here crying again from reliving these moments through the blog, I can't help but remember what a dear friend of mine said to me when we found out about his Asperger's.

"He is NOT yours, he is God's."

Days like today, I need to be reminded of that. This precious life that was given to me here on earth belongs to God. And his plan is greater than I could ever imagine.

No matter what, I will be here for these children.