Day 31- Early Signs #1

As much as I fight it, I find myself remembering things that happened at an early age that I should have "caught". I am an educated woman who was raised around special needs children. I should know that my child is not quite like everyone else.

However, I think I was blinded as a mother. My child was perfect, there was nothing wrong with him. I also know that several people tried to tell us. Some days I wish they would have grabbed me by the arms and shook me until I listened to them. One of them was my grandmother. She very subtlety told me things throughout the years. Even when she was sick she tried to tell me. I remember one day in the hospital she made me promise not to ever give up on him or his older brother, "They are great kids," she said, "They just need you to help them."

As I was walking through the hallway tonight something caught my eye. We have pictures of the boys at all stages of life lining the hallway. When Austin was around 4 and Tanner was just barely 1, a local photography place did 'pond pictures'. Great idea I thought! We will take the boys in rolled up overalls with no shirts on and take some 'little boy' pond pictures. I spent forty dollars on overalls and 10 dollars on a setting fee. Got to the store, dressed the boys up and we went into the pond room. First picture we were going to take, on a pier with our feet in the water. The water, though inside in the middle of summer, was cool. Tanner REFUSED to sit down and put his feet in the water. He screamed when I put him down and in it. Ok, no biggie, we'll take a couple of Austin and move on. Not so. Every pose I tried to place him in he didn't want any part of. He hated that water, he hated the boat that was unstable, he hated it all.

Tonight, I was once again reminded that I got one picture of Tanner that day. He was standing next to a window above the pond. His face so red and eyes blood shot from crying. The look on his face is one of pain and agony. He looks like he wants to crawl out of his body because it's bothering him so much he doesn't know what to do.

I had never had a problem with him before taking pictures, so at the time, I just figured he was having a bad day, was tired and didn't want his picture taken at all.

But walking through the hallway tonight and seeing those pictures, I just had to break down and cry. Once more that was a sensory issue that I should have picked up on. I feel like a failure as a parent. I should have known. This child depends on me to help him and for five years, I couldn't figure out how. How much time have we lost in finding his potential, because I failed to see all the signs?

I will never know the answers to that question. I just need to press on and be thankful that we know now and we know what to do to help him.